Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
