No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
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View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You are the jesus of drinking
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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