listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
