those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
