my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
