Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
