she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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