Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
