you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
