what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
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I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
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the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize