we have officially lost it.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
