i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
