he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
