i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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