She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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