I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
