as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
