so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
