Welp...herpes.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
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If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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