I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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