I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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