My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
