Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
