Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
