he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
