I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
