i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
