You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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