We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
