Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
