Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
