She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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