Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
