i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
