i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
