Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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