Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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