I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I will be naked everywhere
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
