non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
