Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
