Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
