you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
