took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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