Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
