Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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