and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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