I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
