I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize