Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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