Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
