Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
