I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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