ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
