wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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