i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
