whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
