no, he came in my armpit
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
