im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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