I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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