You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
