Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.