gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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