my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
