i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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