think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
